Reasons to Consider Couples Therapy
Guidance from a couples therapist in Roanoke, Virginia
As one of the few therapists in Roanoke, Virginia, who specializes in working with couples and offers sessions both online and in person, people seek me out for a variety of reasons. I want to share some of the most common reasons people decide to pursue couples therapy with me. I hope this will help you feel like you are not alone in the relationship dilemma you are facing, as well as help you make a decision about whether couples therapy might be helpful for you.
Things are pretty good, and you wonder if they could be even better
Believe it or not, lots of happy couples choose to attend couples therapy! These are usually self-reflective, introspective people who are invested in personal growth. They value their relationship highly and are willing to invest time and money to experience more depth of connection.
Having worked in the mental health field for over 20 years, I noticed that following the pandemic, the stigma around seeking therapy in general went down. More and more people were no longer ashamed to pursue help. In my anecdotal experience, this same shift in attitude seems to have happened in the realm of couples therapy. What was perhaps seen in the past as a final box to check before calling a divorce lawyer, now people are seeking professional help and guidance while problems are minor and easy to address.
I very much enjoy working with couples who are dedicated to each other, motivated to grow and change together, and deeply in love. This is usually very short-term work, and may have the benefit of strengthening the relationship and making it more resilient to challenges down the road.
You would prefer to have less conflict
When couples have a lot of conflict, the issue is often that neither person feels heard or understood. They continue to make the same points over and over, but nothing changes. Usually each person feels like they know exactly how their partner is going to respond, and they feel sick of making the same points that go ignored.
Whatever issues are causing conflict (and for most couples, there are a few issues that surface over and over and become quite chronic), it’s not what you’re fighting about, but how you go about it.
Most of us did NOT have good role-models for navigating conflict in a healthy, respectful way. Instead, most of us resort to tactics that are going to sabotage us getting what we want. If this sounds like you, I want to stress that it is not your fault. You are absolutely capable of learning how to take a different approach, and this might lead to a different result. I enjoy teaching skills for navigating conflict in a way that feels different and leads to different outcomes.
Your relationship feels distant or cold
If you have tried to share what is important to you, and found that it fell on deaf ears or led to unwanted tension or hurt feelings, you may have pulled back from sharing over the years. You may have developed a sense of futility, like there isn’t a point in expressing yourself anymore. This can lead to a sense of loneliness or isolation in a relationship. If you no longer feel like you and your partner can connect on a deep level, or perhaps you no longer even feel like friends and allies, you might benefit from some strategies to increase closeness and communication.
You are considering opening your relationship
More and more people are exploring open relationships these days. Whether considering polyamory, swinging, threesomes, or other types of consensual non-monogamy, there are going to be a lot of emotional and logistical dynamics to navigate.
I’m going to be honest here… I WISH lots of couples came to me because they were considering opening their relationship. But no, it is far more common that they come to me because they have ALREADY done it, mistakes have been made, and feelings have been hurt.
This is not because open relationships can’t work. They absolutely can, but for most people, the transition is challenging. I have met many couples who have a strong bond and good communication, and yet find themselves in uncharted territory once one or both of them starts having encounters with outside partners. Boundaries weren’t as clear as previously believed. Someone gets swept up in a moment. Someone gets jealous, or angry, or feels betrayed.
Please believe me when I tell you it is much easier to spend lots of time and care communicating and crafting strong agreements on the front end than it is to recover from hurt feelings and unintentional violations of agreements. I can’t promise you a smooth road, but I might be able to help you avoid some of the potholes.
You are navigating a sexual challenge or incompatibility
As the only AASECT certified sex therapist in Roanoke who also specializes in working with couples, sexual incompatibility is the number one reason couples seek me out. Desire discrepancy (when one person wants more sex, or a different style of sex, than the other) can be really challenging to navigate. Most, if not all, couples have some degree of desire discrepancy. If it’s minor, things might be fine. But if it’s significant, usually the person with higher desire comes to feel rejected over time, and sometimes this leads to resentment. Often the person with lower desire feels guilty and worries that there is something wrong with them that they don’t have a higher libido. The hurt feelings on both sides can intensify over time and erode your sense of connection.
It is also difficult when a sexual routine that used to work stops working. This commonly happens after the birth of a child or a medical issue. Sometimes out of embarrassment, awkwardness, or desire to avoid conflict, neither person knows how to talk about what’s going on and sex just fades away.
If you want to work with a couples therapist who is comfortable talking about a wide variety of sexual issues, can offer specific suggestions, and offers in person sessions in Roanoke, Virginia, I might be a good option for you.
You are at an impasse about a major life decision
There are areas in life where compromise is possible. Maybe you’re a night owl and your partner is a morning person. You can respect one another’s preferred schedule and decide to spend quality time together when you’re both awake and alert. But what about those areas where compromise is not possible? One person wants a baby and the other person doesn’t. One person wants to move out of state and the other person wants to continue living in Roanoke. One person wants to open the relationship and the other prefers monogamy.
These are the types of situations that can lead to an impasse. Each person shares their perspective, tries to be persuasive, but things remain stuck. It is impossible for both of you to get your way, and impossible to find a compromise that works.
I won’t take sides or act as a tie-breaker, because I am not a voting member of your relationship. But I will offer new strategies for communication and an outside perspective that might help things to become less stuck.
You are trying to recover from a betrayal
Affairs can have a devastating impact on a relationship. Other types of betrayal, such as financial deception or failure to keep promises, can also be traumatic, especially if they happen more than once.
Rebuilding trust after a betrayal takes time. To start with, the hurt partner might not even be sure they WANT to rebuild trust. They need the opportunity to feel heard and understood in their pain. The partner who took the hurtful actions likely feels very guilty but doesn’t know what to do to start to make things better. I often hear that a couple has been having the same conversation over and over, and nothing gets solved, and both people feel hopeless and overwhelmed.
Having someone offer a safe space to navigate difficult conversations can be helpful. Establishing guidelines for how and when to have difficult conversations at home can reduce the sense of conflict being inescapable. It can be helpful to explore your values and big-picture goals, including what the relationship means to you, why you want to prioritize it, and how you can take actions to show this. In time, it might be possible to enjoy quality time and build new positive memories together.
The process of making a repair and rebuilding trust is not quick or easy, but in many cases, it is possible. Many couples stay together and recover following a betrayal. Some even find that their relationship eventually reaches a stronger place.
You are trying to decide whether to stay together
I never make the assumption that the goal of couples therapy is to stay together. Sometimes one or both people reach a point where they are seriously questioning whether a relationship is not going to work for them anymore.
Whether or not to stay with someone you love, or once loved, is one of the biggest and most challenging life decisions you will make. You want to make this decision from a calm and grounded place, with time and space for reflection. You want to know that you are in touch with your priorities and your deeper feelings. You want to make sure you’re not making a decision clouded by pain, or anger, or fear, but a decision based on the reality of who you both are and the path that is going to be best for you as you move forward.
It is important for both people in a relationship to feel like they have actively chosen it, and continue to choose it. If this is no longer the case, it is important to believe you have options and you are not stuck or trapped.
Couples therapy can help you gain clarity. Whether the decision is ultimately to commit and invest in the relationship, or to let go and move on, it can be a relief to have a way forward.
Contact Adrien Monti, Couples Therapist, Certified Sex Therapist
If you’re considering pursuing couples therapy in person in Roanoke, Virginia, or sex therapy in person in Roanoke, Virginia, I hope you’ll reach out to schedule a free consultation. If you live outside of the Roanoke area but reside Virginia, I also offer telehealth, so please feel free to contact me. I wish you a happy, healthy relationship!