Embrace Your Clitoris.
There is nothing wrong with you.
In my sex therapy practice in Roanoke, Virginia, I have had a number of female clients apologetically explain that they can’t have an orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. They appear embarrassed that they need direct clitoral stimulation in order to climax.
I explain, this is perfectly normal. This is the case for MOST women. The clitoris is the most sensitive part of your whole body. It has a tremendous amount of nerve endings. The vaginal canal, on the other hand, is not nearly as sensitive (possibly because it is also the birth canal, and childbirth is already painful enough!). It makes sense that intercourse alone might not get you to climax.
What I want to convey is, please don’t feel like you’re being an inconvenience to your partner for wanting the type of stimulation that brings you the most pleasure.
You’re not being demanding.
You’re not being high-maintenance.
You’re not being extra.
On the contrary, how wonderful that you have a body capable of feeling bliss! If you know how to have an orgasm, you already have some super important information about how your body works, and someone who is a good sexual partner will be curious about your operating manual.
You both deserve the best.
I have never had a male client apologetically explain to me that in order to have an orgasm, he needs his penis stimulated. Of course he does, everyone already knows this, and it seems obvious!
I look forward to the day when it is widely understood that the female equivalent to the penis is not the vagina, but the clitoris.
The reality is, penetrative sex is not always equally enjoyable to each person participating. One person might be getting a lot more stimulation where it counts.
It makes sense, when stimulation is not equal, that the person enjoying the sex more might want sex more often.
If you want to maximize the chances that both of you desire sex, it’s important to make sure the sex is enjoyable to both people.
I like to use a food metaphor. A man and a woman go to a restaurant and look at the menu. The man sees his favorite food on the menu and feels excited. The woman can’t find anything she wants to eat. She decides not to make a fuss and selects something to order, even though she doesn’t enjoy her meal nearly as much as her date enjoys his.
Do you think she’ll be eager to go back to that restaurant?
If her date knew more about what she liked and where to find it, do you think he’d want to find a restaurant where both of them could order their favorite thing?
I’m going to make the case that if someone is lucky enough to have sex with you, they should think it’s important for both of you to have a good time.
Your partner deserves to know what you like.
Most men I talk to really want to please their partner. Many of them find it a big turn-on to see their partner aroused and enjoying herself. They feel a sense of accomplishment knowing that they’re a good lover. A sexual encounter involves giving and receiving, and most people don’t see it as tedious or burdensome to give. Furthermore, many men really appreciate when a woman knows what satisfies her and goes after her own pleasure!
Sadly, some men are misinformed, and think all women should be able to climax from penetration alone. Additionally, some women would rather fake an orgasm than deal with the potential awkwardness of acknowledging that intercourse alone doesn’t get them there. For these reasons, it makes sense that everyone can use more education about the female body in order to understand how it works and what is most likely to bring about enjoyment. And of course, every human body is unique and different!
Take it slow.
There are lots of ways to stimulate the clitoris. This can be before or after intercourse, as part of the act, or a standalone activity. Because the clitoris is such a sensitive organ, many women prefer to be aroused by other means before receiving direct contact (kissing, stroking or massaging the body all over, fondling the breasts and nipples, just to name some good possibilities for warming up). When it’s time to approach the clitoris, start with slow and gentle contact, whether with a finger or a tongue. She may prefer stimulation only when the area is slippery with lubrication, or only a feather-light touch. Some like a gentle up and down motion and others like small circles. It might not even be the same preference on every encounter, so remain receptive to feedback!
If you like things slippery or tingly…
Lubrication is a great tool to add to sexual encounters. While bodies naturally lubricate when aroused, the amount can vary a great deal. Lube is cheap, safe, and easy to find at any drug store. Adding lube can make clitoral stimulation more enjoyable (and does the same for penetrative sex).
Some clitoris owners enjoy the sensation of vibration, and vibrators are incredibly easy to find these days. There are hundreds of models at Amazon and WalMart, for example. A vibrator can provide a type of stimulation that no human finger, tongue, or penis can replicate. It is a myth that vibrators are addictive or harmful. The truth is that a vibrator can be used alone, or combined with other sexual activities, to help achieve orgasm more easily.
More information:
The video below (featuring sex therapist Vanessa Marin) offers more helpful information about the clitoris.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGtGBs4OAm8
Thinking about sex therapy?
If you find this information interesting, but have follow up questions or you aren’t sure how to apply it to your own sex life, please reach out to me to schedule a free consultation. I offer in person sessions in Roanoke, Virginia, or online sessions anywhere in Virginia. I look forward to hearing from you!