Addressing Desire Discrepancy in Couples Therapy in Roanoke, Virginia

The number one reason people seek me out

               As the only AASECT certified sex therapist offering in person sessions in Roanoke, Virginia, people come to me for help and support navigating a number of sexual concerns.  The most common reason people pursue couples therapy with me, however, is desire discrepancy.

Defining desire discrepancy

               Desire discrepancy occurs when one person in a relationship wants sexual contact more frequently than the other person.  In most relationships, some degree of desire discrepancy exists.  It would be unusual for two people to consistently exactly the same amount of sex all the time.  When the discrepancy is small, people often navigate it with no difficulty.  When it is significant, however, it can lead to breakdowns in communication and hurt feelings over time.

Desire discrepancy takes place within a specific relationship

               Desire for sexual activity occurs on a large continuum, and it is to be expected that some people are more enthusiastic about sex than others.  Most people experience a fluctuation in their own level of desire over their lifespan and based on life circumstances. 

               A person’s position as the higher or lower desire partner might fluctuate based on the relationship.  For example, someone who likes sex around once a week might be the lower desire partner in one relationship (for example, if involved with someone whose preferred frequency is several times a week), and then the same person could be the higher desire partner in another relationship (for example, if involved with someone who feels satisfied with a monthly encounter).

               There is nothing wrong with having a high drive, and there is nothing wrong with having a lower drive.  It is helpful in navigating desire discrepancy to avoid blaming or finger-pointing, even though it can be tempting to do so.

Circumstances that can reduce desire

Circumstances that can reduce desire include stress, fatigue, being overwhelmed by too many responsibilities, feeling physically or mentally unwell, or interpersonal challenges within the relationship.  Most people don’t want to have sex with someone they’re mad at, anxious around, or resentful toward.

               Some people also experience reduced desire for sex due to sexual shame, which can mean feeling bad about their sexual interests, their sexual orientation, or their body.  Many people have experienced sexual trauma or negative past experiences, and this can understandably reduce desire.

Circumstances that can increase desire

               Circumstances that can increase desire include having sufficient leisure time, feeling energized, relaxed, physically and mentally well, and experiencing a sense of warmth and fondness toward one’s partner. 

               It can also help to have access to things that turn a person on, whether that is their partner looking particularly attractive, exciting fantasies, novel experiences, or written, auditory, or visual erotic content.

               One thing I suggest to clients is to consider what time of day they feel most alert and energized.  If their schedule permits, this might be a good time to consider prioritizing sex.  While it is common to think about coming together at night (due to the convenience of being in bed together), many people actually feel drained and disinterested in sex right before going to sleep.

Who experiences desire discrepancy?

               In my private practice in Roanoke, Virginia, I have worked with straight couples, gay couples, lesbian couples, and couples where one or both people are transgender who are struggling with desire discrepancy.  It can happen to any relationship regardless of age, lifestyle, gender, or sexual orientation.

               There is a stereotype that in straight relationships, it is the man who wants more sex than the woman.  This might be slightly more common, but I have also worked with a number of couples where it is the woman who has higher desire.

               A particularly common time for couples to experience desire discrepancy is following the birth of a child.  It understandably takes time to acclimate to sleep deprivation, caregiving responsibilities, physical changes, and lack of privacy.  Some couples find their way back to a strong sexual connection after a period of adjustment, and others experience longer-term challenges.

               Desire discrepancy can also occur following a medical change for either partner, or a major hormonal shift, such as occurs during perimenopause.  It is a good idea to seek medical attention for treatment of a desire discrepancy when applicable, or to rule out a medical cause.

               Sex should never be painful.  It is extremely important to seek medical care if sex is causing pain, and to avoid engaging in activities that hurt.

Challenges for the higher desire partner

               In therapy sessions, the higher desire partner often tells me that he feels hurt, abandoned, rejected, or neglected.  Typically, he has tried a variety of things to make sex more appealing for his partner and feels discouraged that nothing has worked.  Sometimes he feels resentful or baffled that his partner doesn’t seem to want to participate in something that means the world to him.  He might feel like his partner has all the control, and he has none.  I have had numerous higher desire partners tell me that they feel closest to their partner during sex, that it is the most intense form of love and connection that they can imagine.  They feel the absence painfully when their partner is not on the same page.

               Most people aren’t their best self when feeling hurt and rejected, and sometimes higher desire partners tell me they have a history of lashing out, have been demanding, critical, or put put pressure on their partner.  All of these reactions are understandable but only build walls and get in the way of the type of open communication that helps people come together.

Challenges for the lower desire partner

               Frequently, the lower desire partner feels guilty.  She doesn’t want to reject her partner, and she doesn’t feel like IS rejecting her partner – it simply feels like getting into the right mental and physical space to want sex is elusive and challenging.  Sometimes she keeps track of how long it has been and feels a sense of obligation after a certain amount of time has passed.  While this comes from good intentions, having sex out of a sense of duty can unfortunately erode desire further, and usually the partner is fully aware that she’s not into it.

               The lower desire partner has a real dilemma…  Have sex when she doesn’t want to, which can feel like a violation of her physical and emotional space, or avoid sex, knowing that this choice might cause conflict and hurt feelings.  Sometimes the lower desire partner is aware that she enjoys herself once she gets into it, but it feels like a high mountain to climb to get the details right.  Other times, there’s something about the sex that isn’t very satisfying to her, and she has encountered barriers to effectively communicating this.

How is desire discrepancy addressed in sex therapy?

               When I meet with clients to address desire discrepancy concerns in my office in Roanoke, Virginia, I’m sorry to say there are no easy answers.  Usually I find myself sitting across from two caring, intelligent, kind people who love one another deeply.  They have been navigating this thorny issue for years.  They have tried everything they can think of.  I’m not going to be able to offer a quick or easy fix.

               However, I find that for most couples, communicating around sex is challenging.  Sometimes people make assumptions that aren’t based in reality and need help opening up the conversation so they can get clarifying information.  Often, people haven’t communicated deeply about what sex means to them, what they do and don’t like sexually, and how to approach one another with a fresh perspective.

               As with couples therapy in general, communication is key.

Communication around initiation

               Often, part of the problem couples experience around sex is a problem of initiation.  Frequently, the higher desire partner has historically been the one to initiate.  If she has been repeatedly rejected over time, she might pull back and leave it to the other person to initiate.  For the lower desire partner, this can be a difficult dilemma of, “I don’t even want it that much, and now I’m responsible for keeping our sex life going?”

               People like to initiate, and receive initiation, in different ways.  Some people like a straightforward question, like, “You feel like going in the bedroom and messing around?” 

Other people prefer a physical approach, with snuggling turning to kissing, and leading to more.

               Some like a little advance notice that sex might be on the table in order to be mentally and physically prepared.  For others, this feels like pressure, and they would prefer sex to be brought up in the moment of opportunity.

               It won’t work to assume that your partner thinks like you do, or prefers what you prefer.  In sessions, I find it can be helpful for me to ask questions about preferences regarding initiation style and timing in order to understand where there are opportunities for better coordination.

Communication around what sex means to each person

               For some people, sex is a beautiful, or even sacred, act of love and connection.  For other people, it’s a fun physical release.  There are people who would struggle to feel happy and satisfied living a life without regular sex, and others who wouldn’t much miss it.  Knowing what sex means to you, and to your partner, can’t fix a desire discrepancy, but it can sometimes help in understanding where the other person is coming from and taking their position less personally.

Communication about expanding the sexual menu

               A problem that is particularly common in heterosexual couples is that their definition of sex narrows over time.  Some couples develop a shared assumption that any sexual activity will lead to intercourse, that intercourse is the only suitable grand finale.  If this works for you, there’s nothing wrong with this assumption.  However, for some people, intercourse takes more energy and effort than other types of sexual contact.  If any type of “fooling around” MUST lead to intercourse, this can be a barrier to engaging in lower-pressure, lower-stakes activities, which might feel more accessible and just as satisfying.  I’m not suggesting taking intercourse off the table, just that having more variety might help bring in a sense of freedom and exploration, and might also reduce the pressure to experience sex in a certain way.

               Intercourse is often a different experience for a man than for a woman.  Intercourse gives a lot of stimulation to the penis.  However, it doesn’t give a lot of stimulation to the clitoris.  Instead, there is stimulation to the vaginal canal, which is not very sensitive, possibly because it is also the birth canal.  While some women get great pleasure from intercourse, others don’t, and it’s important to understand that this is a biological reality.

               Expanding the definition of sex, for some couples, leads to having more sex. 

Oral sex is sex. 

Digital sex (hand jobs or fingering) is sex. 

Mutual masturbation is sex.  Some people like to incorporate toys, like a vibrator.

               If both partners are able to honestly and openly give feedback about what they like and enjoy, they are more likely to be sexually satisfied.  Both partners need to be able to pursue their own pleasure and speak about their own preferences. 

Scheduling versus keeping things spontaneous

               I would argue that most important things in life are, to some degree, scheduled.  This may feel like a sad reality of the busy times we live in, but it might not be as sad as you think.

               Most people scheduled sex when they were dating, but didn’t see it that way.  When you set aside time to plan a date, look forward to that date, take a shower, dress nice, spend quality time connecting, and then go back to someone’s place, it may seem extremely spontaneous what happens next… but actually, a lot of planning and preparation went into this encounter.

               I don’t suggest that couples schedule sex, because this can feel like too much pressure, but I highly recommend scheduling the opportunity for sex.  This can mean planning time for privacy and connection.  Maybe there will be a physical connection during that time, or maybe you will snuggle and take a nap.  If you don’t plan the opportunity for sexual connection, it is possible that the opportunity won’t come.

Being less goal-directed

               In some sexual encounters, both people will have an orgasm, or even more than one orgasm.  In other encounters, the pressure to have an orgasm can interfere with pleasure and enjoyment.  For some people, feeling connected and exploring what feels good together is completely satisfying, whether or not it leads to climax.  While both partners should feel welcome to pursue their orgasm, neither should feel obligated.

               Sometimes one person wants the other person to have an orgasm so they will feel like a good lover, or like they’re “doing it right.”  The best way to do it right is to listen to your partner and respect what they do or don’t want.

               Some sexual encounters are very mutual.  Both people experience arousal, pleasure, and perhaps orgasm.  In other encounters, one person chooses to give a gift to the other, without wanting anything in return.  While many people probably wouldn’t want to be in a one-sided sexual relationship over the long-term, it can be a practical way to achieve a sexual connection every now and again when there isn’t the time or motivation for both people to fully engage.

Expanding non-sexual intimacy

               Sometimes when a couple experiences desire discrepancy, platonic affection gradually reduces over time.  It might be the case that both people want platonic affection – they like kissing, hugging, and snuggling.  But maybe the lower desire partner is afraid of “leading on” their partner and giving the wrong message, which could result in having to reject them.  This can lead to pulling back closeness and affection over time to avoid the possibility of miscommunication or hurt feelings.  The intentions are good, but the result can be cold.

               While nothing is going to be quite the same as sex, it can be helpful to understand how else the higher desire partner experiences feeling valued, wanted, recognized, and generally important to their partner.  Whether through compliments, quality time, expression of gratitude, or platonic physical touch, sometimes couples can identify helpful ways to connect that both members can value and prioritize.

Getting started with couples therapy to address desire discrepancy in Roanoke, Virginia

Desire discrepancy is difficult to navigate, and unfortunately extremely common.  If you live in or near Roanoke and you’d like to chat with me to see if I’m the right therapist to help with your specific issues, please book a free consultation.  I appreciate you taking the time to read this and I look forward to hearing from you.